Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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