my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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