Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
