Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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