my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
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