if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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