Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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