you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
