No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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