I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
