While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
