SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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