Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Randomize
