But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
He felt like a one man threesome
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
