4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
