a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
