Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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