you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
