coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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