Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
