I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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