Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Randomize
