I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
