Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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