Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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