so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize