I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
