well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
