I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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