oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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