Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
