youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
