I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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