Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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