i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize