FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
