I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
