So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
