Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
