Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
