Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Randomize
