Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
