i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
