Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
