Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
