She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
