I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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