so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
There r osticjed everywhere
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I am available for nakedness
I forgot wine drunk hurts
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
