I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Randomize
