Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
