I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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