ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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