The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
