Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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