I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
