Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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