Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
