Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Hippo gnu deer
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Randomize
