How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
