apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
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