Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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