Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
