Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize