vagina is talking i cant
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize