Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
