So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
