halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
