I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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