I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
