is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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