Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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