Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
